Joking apart

[Mebyon]

After Bravo found that page of jokes for passer I was surprised we didn't have a 'Jokes' topic on the forum. So I've started one!

My starter for ten are two links that prove that even science can be amusing.

For our younger listeners: The Elements.

And for grown-ups. Silly, and sometimes rather rude Molecules.

Oops, that first link seems not to work. Be back later......

Fixed the link - Bravo

[Calislahn]

Who knew science could be such fun, we never learnt those ones at school ;D

My friend sent me this the other day which i thought was sick but funny

Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

;D

She also sent me another ruder one but that's a cartoon so i shall have to upload that

EDIT: had to take a screenshot of my email as i couldn't save the picture Anyway here it is ;D

img.photobucket.com/albums/v186/Calislahn/misc/fred.jpg

Your links still not working Mebyon, even when i took out the mistake at the beggining of it where it repeats, and yes i did copy and paste

[Bravo 1]

Oh, the link was very messed up, repeats all over the place...it should work now though. Here's an email from me mum:

My Favorite
Step on Toes
Incentive Plan
Meetings
Manual Backup
Lottery Ticket
Only a Test
Doing a Good Job
Bulletin
Attitude

...and here's a Romanian joke, I've done my best to retell it in English:

In his tent, Stephan the Great, Romanian hero of old:
Squire: My Lord, 1,000 Turks approaching!
Stephan: This day we shall be victorious, bring me my sword!

The next day...
Squire: My Lord, 10,000 Turks approaching!
Stephan: Bring me my red shirt so that the men do not see me get wounded

The third day...
Squire: My Lord, 100,000 Turks approaching!
Stephan: Bring me my brown pants...

[Calislahn]

The manual backup and attitude ones made me laugh out loud :laugh4:

And i don't think your Romanian joke loses anything in translation, it's funny ;D

[Bravo 1]

Thanks

Here's one that got a smirk out of me, but excuse the quailty as I got the pic 3rd hand (off of someone's picture of their monitor who found it on who knows what site that probably does not have it anymore )

Speed Limit

[Regan]

I'm rather worried that you'll all have read this before, but I'm bit short on quotable jokes

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If General Motors had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."


In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued
a press release stating: If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of
the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept
this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as
easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of
the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has
Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before
deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers
would have to learn how to drive all over again
because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the
engine off.

;D

[Calislahn]

I hadn't read that Regan, i'ts very funny and very true ;D

[Bravo 1]

:laugh4: :laugh4:

I'd heard the 'if Macintosh made cars' one, but not the whole joke...

[Mebyon]

I leave you with one that arrived tonight by email: Cali, don't s n i g g e r! ;D Or indeed sblack person!

Subject: CLASSES FOR MEN
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight
participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR.
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND WIFE.
Online class and role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counsellors available.

[Calislahn]

Sorry Mebyon but i'm afraid i did just a little :laugh4:

[Mebyon]

Bravo, I meant to say. Thanks for fixing the link and, in the spirit of never stop learning, where did I go wrong? (This is, after all, a joke thread and my use of the 'features' on the forum has been described as a joke!)

[Bravo 1]

You pasted your link once, must have clicked in the very middle of it and pasted again, thus creating something like:

www.google.com

to

http://www.gohttp://www.google.comogle.com

...Cali caught the first part, but not the last...

[Mebyon]

There's always one, isn't there! How the four-ale-bar did I manage that. (Maybe the trembling hands of old age!) OK thanks, I'll know what to look out for next time.

[Regan]

I was tempted to post these anonymously . . . . . .

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

A dyslexic man walks into a bra......

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel

Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he's just sat at home twiddling his thumbs. Suddenly the phone rings and Sean answers it. It's his agent and Sean gets very excited.
The agent says, "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10ish."
Sean frowns and replies, "10ish? But I haven't even got a racket."

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Q. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "Coping with Darkness."

Q. Why do Marxists drink only herbal tea?
A. Because property is theft.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Japanese authorities have banned all animal movements after several sofabeds were found nibbled in Tokyo.
It is thought this may be an outbreak of the dreaded Futon Mouse disease.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

Please accept my sincerest apologies

[Calislahn]

Oh those are real groaners ;D

Here's one my dad got emailed today.

Corporate Cannibals

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are part of our team now" said Human Resources during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and i'm very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has dissapeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything! But nooooooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

;D

BTW Regan i take your feeling better now?